Travelling solo in Madeira
- Mark Hancock
- Dec 22, 2021
- 32 min read
Updated: Dec 23, 2021
The complete solo travellers guide to a short trip in Madeira, Portugal
Intro
‘Mark, do you not get lonely when you’re traveling alone?’
The truth is… the only times that I’ve ever felt truly lonely is when I'm amongst people that don’t share the same values as I do, the type of people that are never fully present in a conversation with me.. The ‘ahh nice’ responses and the aloof ‘mm hmm’s’.
Upon reflection of this cyclical exchange, I’m overwhelmed by the comforting feeling that I do, actually, find travelling and exploring alone the one thing that gives me true freedom. It liberates me and amplifies my confidence. It reminds me that solo adventuring is one of the most progressive things that any person can do for themselves. So let’s get to the juicy bit… I should probably fess up now and start by saying that I am not, by any means a writer, nor am I an experienced travel blogger, Instagram influencer with ‘100k’ followers behind them, self- proclaimed ‘self-help’ guru or any assumed title that may come as a result of these notes that you’re about to skim. I like to think I am merely a man that grabs life by the travel balls - and usually on my todd.
As you might be able to gather, I am no spiritual goddess, and I hate to bang the gong of an old cliché but… life is fucking short and our so called ‘vessels’ that carry us around this earth don’t stand up for too long. Before you know it, we’ll be unable to wipe our own arses and be left to lay in a bed like a soggy piece of overcooked spaghetti. Use it… use your body before its ‘best before date’; run the marathon; meet the people; eat the food; experience cultures; have the sex; drink the wine; take the fucking pill! But above all..travel. See as much as you can in the little time you may or may not have and don’t wait for your friend or partner to agree to come with you… that’s a different type of travel experience which you definitely won’t find here.
The next bit is important (that’s why it gets its own line).
DO IT ALONE.
Let’s rewind to that question which prompted me to write this – that one about loneliness. Yes, of course, at times when I'm physically by myself and I'm hopelessly lost in thought, loneliness can creep its way in. But as easy as it is to let that niggling feeling creep in, it is just as easy to fling it out again… it’s temporary... it’s passing.. Like any other emotion.
There are times when I’m visiting somewhere new by myself and I feel incredible alone but fuck it… never lonely… there’s a stark difference between those two words and the way they impact your emotions.
This is my little collection of humorous travel notes, tips, do’s & don’ts and general overall debrief of my mini trip to Madeira, Portugal. The overall idea is to inspire you to get up, get ready and get the ball rolling for your first or next solo trip. You might even get a few laughs along the way by learning from my rookie errors and amateur travel blunders… But I aim to serve. Think of me as your solo traveller (or solo weirdo) ‘shepherd’ or your travel guinea pig - I won't be offended.
Why Madeira?
After a gruesome 2 years with Boris’s fist tightly up our arses and being locked up in our homely prison cells… I was desperate to shed my lockdown skin, shake off some surface level anxiety and escape the smelly, egotistical and polluted air that I proudly call home in London.
After an intense 8 round interview with a leading travel tech firm, I can partly celebrate that I'm starting a new job in January 2022. I say ‘part celebrate’ because the serious bout of Tier 1 imposter syndrome is trying to take the shine away from the whole month off in between the new job and my current role. It is also a privilege that will totally deplete my savings account, however, more importantly, it’s a privilege that’s needed for me. An essential period of time that I need to reflect, renew and just fucking breathe….
December was the month! So I set to work on researching a place that I could explore. If planning out the intricacies of your trip, from searching the flights on SkyScanner, to booking the hire car and reserving accommodation doesn't get you going… then you're probably not a good match for this read. But I love a challenge and I urge you to keep reading anyway - just in case I can excite you for your next trip. The tropical beaches and humid jungles of Bali were top of my list and, much to my jealousy, my older brother is fortunate to call this Indonesian island his home and I'm cheeky (and fortunate) enough to ask for a free place to crash. But seeing as Covid has pretty much wiped out the prospect of long-haul international travel, I had to sunset the idea of tucking into freshly cooked Nasi Goreng and being mauled by part domesticated monkeys. I'd have to settle for an EasyJet special instead.
Madeira is described as the ‘Hawaii of Europe’ and was a perfect Portuguese choice when choosing my next adventure.. 60 quid return flights from Gatwick, cheap accommodation, incredible hikes, perfectly cooked steaks and Christiano Ronaldo lookalikes everywhere… Okay that last point was wishful thinking and I can confidently say that was not the case. However it is the birthplace of the football legend. The Madeirans are rightly proud of this claim to fame, so much so that they’ve renamed the airport after him and even erected a rather large statue in the island's capital, Funchal. So popular in fact, that the poor crotch of Christian has been buffed silver by too many ‘keen’ fans posing for photos whilst grasping his ‘meat and two veg’. Cock grabbing aside….. I had a feeling that Madeira would scratch the itch that SO needed to be scratched and would give me all the vistas, breathing space and unique serene culture that a weird solo traveller could ask for.
Tourists Bowels & Match Sticks
This trip was especially exciting because it was goodbye to a job that I really began to despise and hello to a brand new adventure and a new opportunity to be reborn in a new job approaching in January. My last day was on Friday, after which, I rushed home, packed my bags and Easyjetted off the following morning from Gatwick, a door to door journey of a cushty 45 mins from my rented studio apartment in South West London.
Gatwick airport was operating all flights through its north terminal due to the thinned down flight schedules - thanks COVID. Great on any other day of the week because it makes airport navigation simple. However, it seemed like every tracksuit wearing couple and young family was crammed into the terminal this Saturday afternoon. I have a weird phobia about too many tourists in one place at the same time. A good friend of mine, Zoe summed this up brilliantly once whilst we visited her home town of Edinburgh during a busy summer weekend ‘Tourist bowels… are a serious problem and one that we should talk about more often’ she remarked. I’m sure we can all agree here, that general transit and eating different foods at unfamiliar times can shake up our digestion regime and, as a result, can cause some funky smells in highly populated tourist zones, such as airports, hotel lobbies and the queue for questionable museums. By the by, a busy day for Gatwick and a day that I was thankful face masks were mandatory by law.
Flying into Madeiran airspace is just beautiful, descending over the East side of the island with spectacular views over Ponta de Sao Lourenco, a rugged headland with a walking trail (covered later on). Flying directly past the runway, which hangs off the mainline and hovers above the Atlantic Ocean, can only be described as what looked like a very short platform being supported by hundreds of match sticks. A short runway makes for a very exciting jolty landing, so hold tight.
Hiring a car is a MUST in Madeira if you want to fully explore every nook and cranny. Speaking from experience, do not go for the cheapest, least powerful car - the roads are some of the most piss inducing roller coasters, not even Alton Towers can compete with. Something powerful to handle the steepness and also small enough to weave in and out of the quaint streets would be ideal. After skimming through some reviews of local & European based rental companies in Madeira, I came across Funchal Easy car hire and booked after reading quite an impressive set of 5* reviews. Their local reps, Anderson and his twin, were two jolly chaps that were incredibly helpful. They loaded me with a sharp Renault Clio and off I went towards Funchal - a relatively easy drive from the airport of around 30 minutes.
Eating alone & Timeshares
When it comes to accommodation, I like to stay in as many places as possible across all the locations that I’m intending to travel through, both for convenience and maximising my short trip. My first two nights were in the capital of Funchal at the newish hotel - 4* Savoy Next Hotel - Now, I must have had a few wines when I booked this particular accommodation because I’m really not a huge fan of fully serviced hotels; The fake politeness of the staff, the herding of cattle at breakfast buffets and just the general idea of being a vulnerable tourist ‘on my holibobs’ just doesn’t do it for me, sorry. I would much rather, on the contrary, book a local apartment or hostel where I could be read as a mysterious roamer, I could be a local, I could be from foreign shores, I might have just arrived or I might be born and bred here, you don’t know until we strike up a conversation.
I took to the streets and started to explore. I was in awe of the tremendous festive effort that had gone into attaching Christmas lights to every lamppost, guttering, tree, you name it. If you want to see a Portuguese city that racks up an extortionate electricity bill and is brighter in the evenings than it is during the day… put Funchal on your bucket list.
For the first time in my adult life, I sauntered….slowly….with my hands tightly sunk in my pockets as I took in the stunning architecture. As creepy as this might look to the fellow pedestrian, the pockets trick is a security blanket for me and a reminder NOT to take out my phone and simply be present. It always makes me walk at a slower pace. I constantly have to remind myself that there is no rush. My goal was to find a nice place to eat that didn’t look too intimidating for a solo weirdo like me.
Let’s talk about eating out alone for a hot sec
The first response from friends is always ‘oh Lord I could never do that’ or ‘is it really worth it?’ The truth is, it does feel alien - at first. But the experience of eating alone comes as a completely different one than a dinner accompanied by others. Here’s why you should try it… or even just give it a go:
You get to eat wherever the fuck you want and there is absolutely no negotiation to be had with anyone (except with yourself, if you’re a complete indecisive like me).
The connection between you and your food & bev is a special and deep one. Without the distraction of company, you’re able to enjoy every smell and appreciate every bite as if it was your first.
You get to be nosy as fuck - One of the true benefits of eating alone is you get to be a fly on the wall to as many or as little conversations as you’d like to. And it’s totally okay. Sometimes it’s a heated exchange between young lovers, stepping on eggshells around each other as they try to enjoy their first and last ‘holibobs’. Or perhaps it’s the mysterious words of the locals in their own language as they tuck in to their favourite local cuisine.
Eating alone can be one of the most personally liberating experiences - After you’ve settled in and become comfortable with your surroundings, it’s hard not to get feelings of true independence, warming and personal gratitude and actually a strong sense of pride because you’ve allowed yourself to do something special, just for you. It’s different in every restaurant and every location.
Without overcomplicating the process of simply going out and grabbing some grub, I still want to address the fact that it does feel weird at times. It’s not in our culture to do most hospitality based things on your todd, but to hell with that. The most content and mindful people are able to create and harvest their own culture… a culture that fits around their own personal values. As opposed to those set by our parents, teachers, mentors and friends. So let’s take a look at my ‘How to’ top tips for eating alone:
Do you research and pick and create a shortlist/or not. Depending on where you are, it might be worth doing your homework via blogs or Tripadvisor and put together a handful of restaurants that look like your ‘cuppa tea’. OR don’t - remember there are no rules to this, so if you want to hit the streets and find a table organically, then try this. I personally always have an idea of where I'd like to go but I always end up being persuaded elsewhere, either by window shopping or being sweet-talked in by a charming server waving a menu at me. You may find yourself looking for other solo diners sitting alone, as part of your search - this is a great shout because you’ll instantly feel more at ease about entering the restaurant and may find yourself striking up a conversation with your fellow weirdos.
DON’T USE YOUR PHONE - As much as you might want to pull out your phone to fill time or make it look like you’re busier than you really are. Nothing will take away the serenity and unique experience of solo dining more than ‘staring into the void’. I’d always suggest bringing your phone out with you when you’re alone in a foreign country (for obvious safety reasons) but if you do have the strength to switch off and pocket your device for an hour, then you’ll be doing yourself and the restaurant the utmost of justice and appreciation.
Take a book - Reading a book in a restaurant can only be done if you’re on your larry and it’s a beautiful experience - having the calming buzz and background noise of people enjoying their culinary trip around you. It’s the perfect environment for you to really get lost in your favourite novel or biography (or your favourite collection of solo travel diaries). Not to mention the fact that everyone will think you’re super mysterious and intellectual. Holding a book also gives you an opportunity to revel in one of my precious benefits of eating alone - some friendly eavesdropping. Your book is your social armour!
After a while, I got bored of sauntering through the beautiful cobblestoned streets and my belly took full priority. I stumbled across ‘Rua da Carreira’ which is a pedestrianised strip of restaurants each with seating outside as well as covered tables indoors. I opted for local cuisine and settled in at ‘Regional Flavours’. Perched on a great table outside, close to a musician hired by the restaurant who was playing some seriously questionable covers of Dua Lipa and Ed Sheeran, I settled in. As the musician was my main focal point during my meal, I seemed to have caught his ‘wandering eye’ and at times, felt like I was being personally serenaded by the bald creative. This is where by book came in handy and broke the 1 sided sexual tension and awkward exchanges.
The food, ‘mixed grill’ and a ‘delicate’ bruschetta, were super tasty and definitely made fresh. The highlight of this solo meal was a post-meat and red wine conversation I struck up with a hilarious Portuguese national from Madeira, Fatima, and her very British bald husband ‘Gary’. Gary & Fatima lived in the Channel Islands but were back in Madeira visiting Fatima’s family. Their innocence and purity was something that really warmed me and their fascination and curiosity of my solo trip really reminded me of how much I surround myself around very similar people back in London. We talked for a good two hours about our home settings but their excitement was mainly focussed around a ‘full day tour’ they attended the previous day. This “tour” which was free of charge, was without a doubt a total con and resulted in Fatima and Bald Gary being herded into a locked and bolted conference room at the Royal Savoy, and held hostage to a team of English speaking sales reps pitching antiquated timeshares to them for two hours. I had no idea people bought these anymore, let alone there being a timeshare army with the powers to detain unsuspecting tourists in a soulless hotel business centre!? It was unclear whether they were truly interested in the concept but I imagine what Fatima wanted, Fatima got. She certainly wore the shoes in their relationship. Nonetheless, it’s a story we will all remember.
I ended the night back at the soulless Savoy Next Hotel - Frustratingly, all rooms were equipped with tea and coffee makers but absolutely no tea or coffee. Obviously a huge money maker for the hotel, leaving the poor ‘hollibobbers’ no option but to call room service and get charged extortionate amounts just to fulfil their coffee addictions. Now, I love a cuppa before bed, not the caffeinated kind, something like a ginger or peppermint tea will do perfectly. I thought I could at least try my luck and ask the bar staff for a cheeky tea bag before I head up to my room only to be told the cost would be a laughable €3.50 - It’s fair to say that that wasn’t the first tea bag that I’ve decline by a Portuguese man post 12am in a hotel lobby…. but I digress.
Worm catching & dog ravaging
For me the holiday only really starts at the beginning of the first hike or cultural ‘deep dive’ of the location. And that’s actually how I started - The PR8 trial over the Sao Lourenco peninsula is a stunning 8km ‘moderate’ hike through stunning headland on the east side of the island - you’ll fly over this unmissable terrain as you descend into ‘Christiano Ronaldo Airport’. You’ll be moving for around 4-6 there and back, depending on how much of a mission you’re on so make sure you’ve got some supportive walking shoes and supplies.
I set off from Funchal early doors and arrived at the car park, which took about 25 mins. The car park is big but I hear it gets pretty rammed later in the day, so don’t be lazy and get those worms! I was the first loser there and the only car parked at 8am - this always feels pretty satisfying when setting off for a day exploring. It feels like you’ve accomplished something before you can even say you’ve finished the hike. Plus you get the whole trail to yourself on the way there, which trust me, are views worth waking up early for.
Hike | PR8 Sao Lourenco Peninsula |
Time / Distance | 4 - 6 hours / 8km |
Time needed | Moderate (but be prepared to lose your breath) |
Starting points for maps | |
Essentials | Good shoes, water, good book, phone notifications off |
Now I don't want to go into detail and bore you by describing every footstone and rock formation I see along the way when I hike - I'd rather you capture and experience this all first hand and for there to be an element of surprise but I'll give you the rundown. Along the way you can expect several lookout points overlooking the dramatic coastline of Madeira and with vistas towards the Atlantic Ocean. Around half way through the trail I came across a right hand turn, appearing to be going down to the coast - I followed this down for around 10 minutes and discovered a beautiful deserted rocky cove, Praia São Lourenço. I perched down here for a good two hours on the way back and ‘become one with myself’. It was the perfect spot for good old fashioned reading and meditation. I find moments like this totally priceless. Back up on the main path - There are quite a few steps at some points, but I guess the lazy crew need not apply to this type of experience… and hey, we’re all secretly wanting a perkier ass. Towards the end, you’ll be able to enjoy some lunch or a well-deserved cold Sagres at the cafe/ bar, situated right before the ‘summit’ of the hike. I say summit because the finish line/ look out is at the top of a pretty serious hill…. What do we want? Perky assess! When do we want them? NOW. The Cafe is called Casa do Sardinha or ‘Sadine House’ if you're fancy. After a sweaty slog to the top of the view point and the furthest point you can walk to, before the National Park begins, I was done! And also surprised that some fellow worm catchers were already at the lookout - a well-travelled mid 30’s Canadian couple - I say well-travelled because they smelt like they’d been on the road for a good couple of months straight. This I admire because they instantly became a bit of a mystery to me that I wanted to learn more about. How did they get there if there was no other vehicles in the car park? Where were they heading to and where have they been?! They actually feature later in this read, so hold tight for more small world mysteries. I began my descent back, weaving and manoeuvring myself through the oncoming explorers and hollibobbers. It’s so interesting to see the different type of people attack hikes and trails like these, I observed; the well prepared couples and fellow solo weirdos, kitted out in appropriate ankle boots and multiple layers, including waterproofs (should the heavens open), not to mention a day bag full of essentials, food, water, a change of underwear and a book as a bare minimum. And then you get the ‘jeans and hoodie’ army, the underprepared, under-paced and out of breath type that want all the scenery without the sweat. It’s these that I can have the best laughs with… “Only another 15 minutes to go” I'll say, knowing full well that they have well over 2 hours, at their pace left. I see it as light motivation for them and even more reason for them to pat themselves on the back if and when they reach the summit.
Back safely at the weirdo-mobile, I decided to hit the road and explore some northern seas and sights of Madeira. I love afternoons like this where your main objective for the day has been completed and it allows you time to simply ‘get lost’ in your surroundings. I passed through sweet little coastal town such as Porto da Cruz & Faial. In my opinion, not worth spending a huge amount of time in either because they’re so tiny but I parked up and had a quick recce to familiarise myself. I stumbled across a town called Satana, which is a path well-trodden for hollibobbers and timeshare addicts alike. The municipality of Santana (municipality meaning that the town has its own government), is famous in Madeira for its charming and characterful stone built houses with steep triangular thatched roofs, Casas Típicas de Santana. These cute little houses all have their own purpose nowadays, some trading as gift shops, traditional wine merchants or even selling old-school Madeiran clothing. They are scattered around the small town that has a bunch of free parking.
As cute and picturesque as these remarkable little houses were, my eyes were drawn to one thing and one thing only: a gorgeous dog roaming around the gardens of the Casas Típicas. I obviously took a ‘B line’ towards the gorgeous blonde pup who seemed to be ripping and destroying a fluffy toy. I eventually got his attention and we were having an unreal bonding sesh of cuddles and kissies. I noticed he had some pretty severe scarring on his dear little foot - my guess is that he was a rescue of some sorts and he’d been tied up in an earlier life. Breaks my heart. Santana, as I appropriately named him, started to get progressively frisky at this point, there was a lot of jumping up, thrusting and I want to say ‘play biting’... all from him of course - another display of one sided sexual frustration I guess. After some incredibly embarrassing attempts to detach his jaw from my love handles and keep his throbbing lipstick at bay, I eventually managed to escape relatively unscathed. No regrets… Thinking of you Santana.
It became really clear after this less than pawfect interaction, that the Madeirans LOVE their dogs - it’s not uncommon for the little bundle of joys to be waiting for their owners to come home, splooted in the middle of the country roads, with zero flinch reaction to the passing cars.. So just a heads up on this when you’re speeding around the rollercoaster roads here.
It was time for a final meal in Funchal before heading into the mountains the following day. One thing the island does incredibly well is whipping up some fishy delights and Restaurante Trigal certainly did not disappoint. Tucked away from the main streets of the city and serving traditional Madeiran food, this family owned joint doesn't look like much from the outside but the food makes up for that and then some. The reason this place is SO great for a solo weirdo is because the staff make you feel comfortable and welcome and give you just as much attention, if not more, than those who are in a couple or group. My recommendation would be to go for the octopussy - love struck eyes.
Bob Ross & Big Asses
It was time to check out of the Savoy Next Hotel and head into the mountains for 3 nights to Ribeiro Frio, which is about a 15km drive out of Funchal taking approximately 45 mins. The roads out of the city heading up into the mountains are ‘smelly clutch’ roads so be prepared to focus and just go for it. If you find yourself stopping on some of these roads, it’s fair to say you’ll be pretty fucked as you plummet back down the hill, so my advice would be to keep your foot on the accelerator and hope for the best.
My Airbnb check-in wasn’t until 3pm, which gave me the whole day to complete the most outstanding and dramatic hikes that Madeira and even Europe has to offer - the PR1, Pico do Arieiro - Pico Ruivo trail is Madeira’s most famous hike and takes around 8 hours as a round trip (5-6 if you’re on a mission) a total of around length 14km and an elevation climb working out at approximately 1000m. The stunning adventure starts at the top of the Island’s 3rd highest (Pico Do Arieiro) and heads towards the highest peak (Pico Ruivo) and then back to the carpark at Pico do Arieiro. Expect the most beautiful screensaver-esque views of the mountains as you climb steep staircases, squint through dark tunnels carved out through the mountains and navigate your way along narrow well-kept paths with eye watering sheer drops either side.
Hike | PR1 Pico do Arieiro - Pico Ruivo (Pico to Pico) |
Time/ Distance | 5 - 8 hours (hangover dependant) / 14km |
Difficulty | Hard. Sweat = Scenes |
Starting point for maps | |
Essentials | Good shoes, plenty of food & water, bog roll, phone notifications off. |
I can’t stress enough how leaving early for this hike will favour you hugely. It can get extremely busy and given the narrow paths and sheer drops, it’s even more reason to explore with as few people as possible - so catch those worms! - I heard that some even get to the starting point at Pico do Arieiro for sunrise and then set off, which I didn't quite have the heart to do this day. I arrived at the huge free car park around 8am and it was no surprise there were only a handful of other cars. There’s a gift shop and a little cafe if you forget your water or lunch for the trail. The reason why some start this hike a bit later is because of the cloud coverage that usually clears late morning - for me this isn’t a problem as it gives this hike an eerie, dystopian feel when you set off.
As the clouds started to break about halfway to the summit of Pico Ruivo, I caught a glimpse of the jagged mountain tops in the distance alongside a bright blue sky. I knew then that the heavens were opening, and being the only one on the trail, it felt like they were opening just for me.
Now let’s talk about the art of relieving yourself up a mountain with grace and dignity - As with most ‘well-trodden’ paths, there are the obvious ‘piddle points’ and very indiscrete ‘turd caves’, made obviously visible by a ground sheet of used bog roll and sanitary towels… But I refuse to go near or even look towards those pissy, sodden hell pits, mainly in the fear of catching a serious infection. Being the prude that I am, I like to release a ‘wee jobby’ with dignity and privacy. With the trail being so empty it allowed me to find a perfect loo with a view. I shifted a huge, what felt like 5 stone, boulder and positioned it nicely over last night's dinner, exactly how nature intended - if you gotta go, you gotta go. I couldn’t help but think, if a strong gust of wind decided to blow me off the side of the mountain that day, mid-poo, it would’ve been an incredible way to go.
As I climbed up the steep path and neared the top of the summit and view point of Pico Ruivo, my head poked above the clouds which is an unreal experience. To view the cloud line forming an ocean type layer over the landmass of Madeira, is just spectacular. That warm feeling of awe and achievement started to set in as I climbed the final steps, until I heard that familiar sound, the sound that curdles my blood into a thick lumpy broth, the sound that ‘bhzmmmmm’s’ its way into your soul and stands a chance at ruining all the hard work you put in to reach the summit. A fucking drone… It doesn't matter how remote the location or how long and treacherous the trail is, there is always, without doubt, some knobhead controlling a drone. Blissful are those drone owners - ignoring everyone's existence and destroying the sanctity of the beautiful views and sounds of nature. I can’t be the only one here that secretly hopes that they fall from the sky and plummet towards the ground and shatter into a thousand pieces. For my next hike I’ll be buying a pea shooter for this very reason - if you can’t take the picture yourself, don’t fucking take it. That’s all.
There’s a small shelter and cafe with a toilet, just before the dual look out points up some pretty easy stairs. The views here at the top of the island's highest mountain are some of the best that I've seen. There were a handful of other walkers there, but the energy was that of silent admiration. One side of the mountain range was blanketed with thick ripples of cloud and the other half was crystal clear visibility. I think it’s super important to connect with people at the top of a hike or summit, there’s an unspoken respect and sense of achievement. A great way to spark up a conversation in this situation is to ask a solo or a couple if they would like a photo taken of them against the backdrop. I find that 99% of adventurers will jump (hopefully not too close to the edge) at the chance to get some new content for their Instagram and it also allows you to have your own personal photographer afterwards. Once the ice is broken, use this special time to find out their story; where are they from? Where are they going? Why did they end up here? If the vibe is right, it’s connections like these that you remember for a lifetime.
As I descended, so did the clouds and the now clear view felt like I experienced the trail for the first time - double the vistas with half the hike, winner winner chicken dinner. As I was about to climb the final stairs up to the observation deck and car park at the starting point, I heard a really excitable ‘OMG HEY’ .. The look on my face must have been that of pure confusion but after a 5 second memory lapse I realised that I had been heckled by the Canadian couple from the PR8 Sao Lourenco Peninsula - It’s always a beautiful moment when these ‘small world’ interactions happen.
Just a few more steps until the top of the trail and back to the starting point, I noticed 4 spectators at the top of the staircase and what sounded like clapping and cheering. I thought, ‘what an amazing thing to do’, especially from people you don’t know. Encouragement comes in all forms and varying amounts but this was the extra push I needed to hop up to the top. As I passed them, it was clear that our eye lines weren't quite matched and they appeared to be looking back down away from the starting point – and there, running up the path towards us, was a trail runner with a big fuck off number blazoned across his chest, competing in an organised race from Pico to Pico. The spectators were applauding him, not me. It’s fair to say I slid away in embarrassment and had to silently celebrate in a weirdo-mobile - no shame.
Check-in 2
Before checking into my mountain cottage in Ribeiro Frio I did a quick supermarket run. I would advise doing this before you check in if you’re staying anywhere off the beaten track in Madeira, mainly because the roads are a nightmare but you also want to be filling your days with adventure and meaningful moments, not wandering around foreign supermarkets, as fun as this can be sometimes. So, armed with a boot full of delicious food and red wine I set course for my Airbnb. This is another huge plus to traveling alone, and if you're staying in self accommodation you can go all out in a supermarket and stock up with everything and anything you’ve ever wanted to cook, sample or binge on. I found myself purchasing an entire octopussy, eager to try and recreate the deliciousness that I had the other night in Funchal.
So feeling a bit stressed and with a bladder full, I arrived at ‘Cottages Ribeiro Frio’ a collection of 3 stone built cottages set on the side of a mountain, surrounded by lush forests and immersed with the calming sounds of running river water. The private driveway is not for the faint hearted and seemed to go on forever - Now, at this point I was slightly delirious and took a wrong turn and found myself at the bottom of what can only be described as a 50% angled muddy ascent up to what I thought was my accommodation. As with all roads in Madeira, you have to just fucking go for it. After taking a pretty big run up, I floored it up to the first section before I came across a hairpin turn, still on a 50% angle. With a sheer drop to one side, the car came to a stop, as I had to do a three point turn to even get round the bend, my pulse was racing and I'm sure a little wee came out. I manoeuvred the 1 ltr weirdo-mobile round the tight bend and prepared to take on the next section of muddy and uneven slant. As I put pedal to the metal and gave the car some real ‘stink’ it became clear that the shitty little Clio just didn't have enough ‘oomph’ to take me to the top and stalled halfway up. I let out a yelp and carefully jammed the handbrake up as far as I could take it. I looked around at the deadly drop on one side and knew that not a single soul could even hear my cries for help if I began to topple over the cliff to an imminent blood bath. A sense of impending doom washed over me - I knew at that point, as I was half way up the ascent, that I was truly and utterly fucked and naturally, life started to flash before my eyes.
I had no other option than to give up and somehow ‘back-up’ down the hill to safety and just walk up to the cottage. I released the handbrake and listened as the foot brake started to give way, with a squeak, and the car started to slide on one set of wheels. I managed to just about control the descent back down to the bottom. When the car was at a safe ground level, I jumped out and let out a huge sigh of relief… the mountain had spared me this one time. I set off on foot and discovered that I totally missed the correct turning for my cottage. With a further sigh of relief that no one witnessed this display of pure panic and attempts to drive a Renault Clio up a path only suitable for the most powerful of industrial agricultural vehicles, I settled into my fully equipped cottage for the night. It goes without saying that two the two bottles of fine Portuguese red went down an absolute treat this night.
Awkward new friends and blog writing
Enjoying an early morning brew perched on the large windowsill and overlooking the forested mountains, I began to plan out my day. A huge factor for me when booking a remote, tranquil cottage with little phone signal, was mainly to remove myself from everything, everyone and reintroduce some zen to my life. But more specifically I booked this location because Ribeiro Frio is the base camp for the many famous ‘Levada’ walks that Madeira has to offer. Madeira has thousands of miles of manmade irrigation systems, some dating back to the 1500’s, with the purpose of transporting fresh water from the one side of the island to the other. Nowadays they double up as spectacular walking trails that have been meticulously carved out alongside the watercourses - all offering a range of multi terrain vistas. You’ll pass through lush green forests, get splashed by natural waterfalls that cross the paths and navigate your way through rock pools. If you bring your towel, you can even have a cheeky dip in the many natural forming fresh water pools along the way. Skinny dipping is not covered here but is probably permitted. There’s only one way to find out.
I was pleased to leave my weirdo-mobile back at the cottage for the day and set off on foot towards the PR10 Furado Levada Walk which is only a 25 minute walk from the cottage. The start of the flat walk is just past the Ribeiro Frio Restaurant and Trout Farm, which sell naturally bred fresh trout - apparently some of the ‘best trout in the world’.
Hike | PR10 Levada do Furado - Ribeiro Frio - Portela |
Time/ Distance | 4 - 5 hours / 11km (one way) |
Difficulty | Super easy - Levada walks are pretty flat and well maintained |
Starting point for maps | |
Essentials | Good shoes, food & water, bog roll, phone notifications, a great book |
Levada walks are all pretty flat, so they’re great to tackle the day after a large amount of wine or post-heavy incline hike. The first thing you notice after starting a Levada walk is that the sound of trickling water creates a huge sense of content. I call them thinking trails because you don’t have to focus too much on your footing, but instead you can really tune in to where your mind is at and allow yourself to take in your surroundings a lot easier.
About 2km in, I pass by an older chap who seemed to be really peaceful, studying all the drips and drops that where falling down the mossy cliffs. A quick wave and ‘hallo’ was all that was required as i wanted to have as much of the scenery to myself as possible, so I steamed on ahead. Shortly after I noticed the bushes shaking about 50 yards ahead of me before a gigantic horned ram and his female ewe counterpart made their presence known in the middle of the narrow path (apparently an uncommon spectacle on the Island, so my guess is that they were escapees). Not wanting to disturb them, I stopped in my tracks waiting for them to pass. The male really didn’t seem too keen on the idea of me butting in on their afternoon and seemed to get ready to charge at me. My instincts kicked in and I decided to pussy out and walk backwards, in the hope they’d disappear. They began to travel away in the distance I was originally heading for, so I left it a while before I crept forward. This game of ‘Mr Wolf’ or more ‘red light green light’ went on for some time until the fellow weirdo, who I bumped into earlier, eventually caught up with me. Not wanting him to assume that I was shitting my pants over a harmless couple of fluffy sheep, I whipped out my phone and elegantly started to take pictures, so it would look like I was more interested in the beasts as opposed to being petrified. This was how I began my afternoon with Mike.
With no other direction to go but forward, Mike and I walked, got acquainted and found ourselves walking contently together for the next few hours. Mike was what you would call an introverted introvert - a 50year old (ish) seasoned walker and explorer, who takes solo trips for weeks, even months at a time around to the world's most scenic places. Like everyone, the international long haul prospect of travel was made difficult in 2021, hence why we both ended up in the easiest of top draw picturesque places in Europe to reach I guess. I can only guess that Mike was single and a fellow gay, not to make assumptions but when you know you know. We went through periods of small talk, to awkward silence, to content silence to great deep meaningful discussion about his previous travels to Nepal. Part of me was so intrigued and loving our new connection, but then another part of me couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. He had an air of loneliness about him and his demeanour was touched with sadness that seems hard to put into words. I selfishly thought at one point… ‘Wow, is this what my life could become if I find myself so content doing things alone?’ I tried numerous times to get Mike to crack a smile but he seemed reluctant, even as if maybe no one had tried to have a laugh with him in quite some time, so perhaps the experience was new for him.
After sharing a few photo opportunities together I decided to part ways with Mike at the 7km mark and head back. Daylight was starting to crack and I didn’t really fancy walking to the end and back in the dark. I call it terrible planning from my side but definitely not a failure. I broke the news to Mike and it was only at this point where we actually exchanged names and said our goodbyes - it was here that I managed to get a little smile from him. I realised afterwards what lonely life travelling alone could be if you’re not prepared to put yourself out there and create connections with people. I left feeling sad for Mike but at the same time, full hearted as I had a feeling this chat changed his day and possibly his whole week.
Another reason why I wanted to rush back was to go and check out the famous lookout at the end of the PR11 - Vereda dos Balcoes trail - a super short Levada walk that starts across the road from the PR10 trail. At the end of the 15 minute walk you’ll be able to stand on the Balcões viewpoint with stunning views over the valley of the Ribeira da Metade. There’s a small snack shop on the route that sells bird seed and if you’re feeling like a bird whisperer, the teeny tiny fur crest birds will politely come and peck the seed directly out of your hand.
I grabbed some dinner at the Ribeiro Frio Restaurant back at the beginning of the trail which has the look and feel of a traditional alpine lodge - log burner by side, cold beer on lips and a Madeiran mixed grill on order. It’s fair to say I was happy chappy.
The evening back at the cottage was a special one as it’s when I first started writing the Only Weirdos blog that you’re reading today. Glass of red poured, candle lit for concentration and ambience, I sat outside on the picnic table and got to work on my first ever blog - God help everything and everyone.
Cows and drip drying
As I woke on the second to last day of the trip, I was so excited to complete my last trek in Madeira - The PR13 Vereda do Fanal trail. A super versatile moderate trail that passes through protected laurel forests, eerie and spectacular foggy plains with stinkwood trees and plenty of gorgeous viewpoints. Undoubtedly, this 11km walk really has it all.
Hike | PR13 Vereda do Fanal |
Time/ Distance | 6 -8 hours depending on time with the cows / 17km round trip |
Difficulty | Moderate to hard but stamina is needed |
Starting point for maps | |
Essentials | Good shoes, food & water, bog roll, phone notifications off, a great book and a towel |
You can either start your trip at one of the parking bays on the ER209 road and walk the 11km to Fanal forest, or the other way round. Some actually just go one way and get a taxi back to their car which is an option but I found a shortcut back which I'll spill all the beans about here. There are plenty of signposts along the ER209 which head in the direction of the PR13 trail so you can’t miss it but for this trail it is worth having a fully charged phone so you can steer yourself back on track if you need. There are some offshoots which can complicate things.
The entirety of this walk was deep in the clouds with some rain towards the end, which isn’t a huge problem for me as it adds to the mystery of the landscape and it also keeps the hollibobbers and ‘not so certain’ explorers at bay. Once I finally reached the Fanal forest, I was stunned by the spirit of this place - it’s eerily quiet and usually covered with fog. Along with the bare Stinkwood trees scattered around and the friendly resident cows, it makes it more of a once in a lifetime experience - dare I say ‘very Instagramable’ (vom).
As it was pretty sodden there, it made it difficult to perch anywhere to rest and reflect, so I shared my peanuts with the cows and started to plan my route home. Option 1 is to walk back the way I came, but it was at this point I really wanted a warm towel and a cold beer. So Option 2 is to actually walk back along the ER209 road to the car - which is only a 6km walk on tarmac which is so achievable in under an hour. Just be mindful of the cars - the road is super quiet but just have an eye out.
When I reached the car it was a triumphant moment - a warm car out of the rain and a beverage now even close to smacking my lips. I soon realised that I was without a towel (rookie mistake), so it meant I had to strip down and drip dry with the heating on full whack - huge apologies for the show, if anyone caught a glimpse on their journeys.
Now, if you’re over on the West side of the island here I would strongly recommended stopping off at the coastal town of Porto Moniz, a municipality made famous for its naturally forming lava pools that surround the rocky bay perfect for a dip if you’re not a good sea swimmer (that’s pools of sea water not piping hot lava - that wouldn’t be fun).
A two hour drive round the western and southern beaches allowed for the most spectacular views of the sunset - one of the most beautiful that I've seen. I would suggest not rushing back to your accommodation and avoid the motorways and instead test yourself on the regional roads that weave in and out of the mountains. You’ll benefit from incredible views of the small fishing villages below, made even more picturesque when the sun is setting - You’ll always be able to find a layby to pull over so you can stop and reflect. Plus also give yourself a break from the adrenaline rush as a result of the testing hairpin turns.
Hotel 360’s and nose swabs.
As my last full day in Madeira arrived, I was genuinely gutted to say goodbye to my little cottage - after all, it was the birthplace of OWTA! Nevertheless, home time is home time but I had one final day and night in Funchal and after queuing up at the Islands main hospital get my ’fit to fly’ Covid jab - a faff among faffs, but a vital one at that, I checked in at The Vine Hotel - a 5* full service, full amenity ‘design’ hotel in the heart of Funchal. Now, you know my thoughts on ‘fully serviced’ but the sheer quality and spec of this hotel was too good to miss and to be honest, I went for this with the view of purely relaxing for a day - gym, spa, room service and good wine. And that is exactly what I did. After 5 days of leg and ass action, it was definitely needed. The attention to detail and customer service here was truly second to none and I couldn't find an area to fault them on.
So in summary.
Madeira is without a shadow of doubt, an explorer's playground. Whether you’re a seasoned solo weirdo or you’re just pondering the idea of setting out on your first solo trip, this Island, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, is a really exciting option for you to consider. From super easy flat Levada walks to more challenging steeper mountain hikes - all the trails here offer some of the best scenes and vistas only fit for display in a Bob Ross landscape gallery.
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